2K-eleven.

With the New Year comes resolution.... however you want to look at it, RESOLUTION = CHANGE.  Why does the word "change" carry a negative connotation in the minds of so many people?  I appreciate the opportunity to reflect on my life and find areas where I can improve... but I've also come to accept that there will be moments in my life when I realize that change is necessary -- even if I don't understand why.  And for some reason, I've had a lot of those moments... and they usually involve a very big decision that will affect the direction my life is heading.  Stressful as they might appear, I'm grateful for the spirit that brings comfort and reassurance that I'm making the right choices.  Especially right now.  After spending months building and strengthening my application for graduate school so that I could potentially start this fall at the U, I finally realized (and admitted to myself) that my priorities have changed.  The application deadline was January 18... and it wasn't until just a few days before that date that I made the final decision -- my immediate future does not include devoting my life to working on a doctoral degree in nursing.   Maybe a few years down the road... who knows.  But I realized that I was committing to a decision that I had made when I was at a different place in my life -- 6 months ago I was unemployed, unattached, and without any clear direction.  As I understood it, my calling in life was to attend to the needs of pregnant and laboring women... logically it made sense to continue on in school and become a midwife/women's health nurse practitioner because school is all that I've really known.  It's a "safe zone" for me.  I love being in school and having an opportunity to learn and grow in that environment.  But these past few weeks, I took a step back to make sure that applying to grad school really is the right thing for me and my life, considering how different it is now than it was 6 months ago.  And as difficult as it was for me to accept, I'm happy with where I'm at and I don't need (or want) anything more right now.  I may not be working in the nursing environment that I initially envisioned, but it really is a perfect fit for me.  I love having a Monday-Friday/8-6 work schedule and going to work with an understanding of what to expect.  I have a clear list of things I need to accomplish everyday, and that is a perfect fit for my personality.  Working for neurosurgeons in this spine center might not be my "calling" -- but that's the beauty of nursing.  There will always be a need, and I don't have to commit to this position for the rest of my life.  But for right now, I love it.  It's a great fit for me.  But most importantly, I have earned respect from those I work with and they trust my judgment.  If I had gone into a hospital environment, I would have been a lowly "new grad" that wouldn't have been trusted with anything, not for a while at least... how does that make any new nurse feel confident in their knowledge and skills?  So for that reason alone I am grateful for this first job as a RN.  And it also gives me one reason why grad school may not be the best option for me right now.  I feel incredibly lucky to be blessed with a job that I enjoy, and I don't want to give that up just yet.  Not to mention the fact that having an income will help me to pay off the debt I incurred from my last educational venture.... haha.  One year at Hopkins really did me in.  But it was worth every penny :)  Yes, there are other reasons why I decided against grad school, but when it came right down to it, I realized that my heart wasn't there.  I couldn't argue with that.  I'm not ruling anything out -- my life could take another turn in the future to direct me back towards becoming a midwife, but for now, I'm content with having 3 bachelor's degrees and one set of credentials after my name.  There is nothing wrong with being "just a nurse" -- I'm happy with it, and that's what truly matters, right?  I can fulfill my calling as a nurse in the Labor & Delivery room, and that's what I intend to do.  But hey, I'm only 26 -- there's no need to rush to create a perfect life for myself RIGHT NOW.  I need something to look forward to :)  And one more thing...  as startling as it may seem to some, I have also finally realized that I don't want my career to affect the type of mother I want to be -- don't worry, I'm not giving up the career I've worked so hard for, but I guess I finally understand the importance one of the primary "callings" I have been given here on this earth... and it is a calling that only I can fulfill.  But I need to make sure that I put appropriate effort into both my callings - being a mother and being a nurse - and I need to consider that before I sign up for the responsibility that being a midwife will undoubtedly require.  I guess that is reason enough to take some more time before grad school, right?  I'm sure you didn't care to read about all these details behind my decision, but I needed to.  For myself.  It's somewhat therapeutic, if you will :)  SO, with all that said, I hope you understand this isn't a decision I took lightly, and I feel in some ways that the decision was already made for me.  But with each change comes a new beginning... and I love the feeling of a fresh start :)