reality. check.

SO.  I wouldn't normally blog about the negative things that happen in my life, but what is life without a few set-backs?  I can't paint a rosy picture for you all and pretend that I haven't encountered a few bumps (or ditches) along the way, and I feel like it's semi-therapeutic to share my experiences.  Helps me to learn and grow.  And most importantly, to move forward.  Nothing worse than over-thinking situations and letting them stew... it only compounds the issue and prevents progression.  Which is why I feel it necessary to get this out, and then I can hold myself more accountable and motivate myself to press on....

Last week in my clinical rotation, we started on a new unit - Postpartum.  Most people immediately think "Postpartum = depressed patients" but this is not the case!  Postpartum is the term used to describe the unit that cares for moms and their babies after they have delivered.  Most patients are on the unit for 2-4 days, depending on the type of delivery (vaginal vs c-section) and related complications or concerns.  This is a much different environment than L&D... slower paced, more monitoring and basic nursing care (comfort measures) and routine assessments.   It was a big adjustment, both in activity level and what we were focusing our attention on.  I was assigned a patient who was stable and fairly knowledgeable with the expectations in postpartum following her c-section, and her husband was a great support - he was an RN so he was also watching for any concerning signs or symptoms to alert us.  It made my first couple days a little more relaxed, but looking back, that probably wasn't the ideal first postpartum patient experience for me.  I've figured out how I learn best - hands on, in the moment, addressing issues as they are presented and processing through their implications.  It's much harder for me to take information from the book or lecture and apply it without prior exposure to the situation.  So.. on Friday, I had my midterm evaluation with my clinical instructor, and she brought up some concerns she had with my prioritizing and care of my patient, mostly related to my ability to assess my patient as a whole and think critically regarding any and all issues that might be of concern to us while she is under our care in the hospital.  In my defense, it was only my first couple days and I hadn't had any prior experience in postpartum so I wasn't well-versed on the major concerns and issues of that unit, but she did have a point.  And it really knocked some sense into me.  Yes, I finally had my break-down and a good cry in the nurse's lounge, it was bound to happen, but most of all I was grateful.  My instructor took the time to point out areas where I need to improve, and if I have any desire to be the best nurse I can be, I must be willing to hear feedback and then (most importantly) apply it to my practice.  It wasn't so much a smack in the face as it was a wake-up call.  I have been doing quite well in this program, and I haven't had anyone challenge me to work harder to reach my potential.  My last rotation in Psych was not a great indicator of what is to be expected of us as nursing students - I lowered my expectations of myself and my work ethic suffered.  I sunk back into old habits and wasn't focused on the bigger picture - that what I am learning here and how I choose to practice will translate into my work as a nurse.  If I don't learn how to effectively care for my patients in this environment, how can I expect myself to perform with confidence as an RN?  So I made that clear to my instructor - we may only have 2 weeks left of clinical in postpartum, but I have committed to myself and to her to extend myself beyond my comfort zone and push myself to think outside the box and care for my patients accordingly.  I also explained to her how I can learn best in the clinical environment and asked her to help me by challenging me to look past what is in front of me and consider alternative explanations for any values or assessments that I might come across.  So although I might have been disappointed in myself and the level of effort I had been putting forth, I was grateful that I had this chance to take a very critical look at my performance in order to make necessary adjustments.  It's so much harder (near impossible, I believe) to grow and progress if you don't have someone pointing out areas where you can improve.  Self-evaluation can only go so far.... outside input is what really drives change.  Yeah, it was hard to hear... but now I am motivated to live up to my potential, because I know I am capable of so much more than this!!  And with that said... only a few more weeks left in this semester to finish strong, then it's holiday break!  THEN will be my time to relax and breathe.    Hard to believe that Thanksgiving is next week... ahh don't even get me started! 

I also have a little bit of an update: I've expressed how interested I have become in L&D, but it has become a recent decision to pursue a career in that field.  I haven't been so sure of a decision for a while... I know the Lord is guiding me and nudging me along, and He has helped me to realize how passionate I am about this specific environment in medicine.  Yes, I love working with teenagers, and maybe I can adapt my work to include care for teenagers in the future, but I feel like I have found my calling - as a nurse midwife!  It's going to be a long process, but I am eager and excited about the road ahead of me.  It's been a long time since I've really been excited about what I am working towards... reminds me of when I first started nursing school.  Now that I realize what I want to pursue, it makes preparation so much more enjoyable.  I love studying about the aspects of women's health related to pregnancy, so much that I am slightly overwhelming my schedule next semester so that I can take a class to learn about caring for the neonate.  I know my life outside school is going to be non-existent come January, but it will be worth it!  I am actually much more productive when I have a busy schedule... pressure to get things done, and helps me keep school at the front of my mind.  Besides, winter in Baltimore probably won't be so pleasant... I'll be stuck inside anyways, might make the most of it right?  haha.  Not so excited about that.  But this will be my last classroom-intensive semester of school!  How did it go by so quickly...?  I'm almost half-way there! Yikes. With that said, I need to go get my study on... had a wonderful past weekend escape to New York City with Amanda, just relaxing and enjoying our time together with our friends up there.  Much-needed time to refocus and get back on track.  So let's start this week off right.... and if I don't get on here before next Thursday, HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!  Wish all of you an enjoyable holiday with your families, and of course, enjoy the pumpkin pie....